Mellyville

For an Optimist, I'm pretty Pessimistic

2010-05-07T15:42:00.000-07:00

opposite of the Paramore song, "For A Pessimist, I'm an Optimist," but how funny this song seems so fitting today...

"I put my faith in you, so much faith/

And then you, just threw it away..."

It's amazing how hearing someone else's perspective on the same story can just blow you away. Hearing the story of my most recent break up from my ex directly was like we were in two different relationships entirely. My feelings were betrayed. I thought we loved each other equally. But looking back, if he always put himself first, how could our relationship ever be equal? How did I miss that link?!? At least I know now that what happened did not from me. He messed up; It's his fault for feeling this bad.

I was angry, and slowly accepting the situation. Deep down, I really wanted him to win. I want to give him the answers, but he has to learn from his mistake. If he really says who he is now, he needs to act... and act now. Like Lifehouse, "Whatever It Takes."

Dear World

2010-03-31T00:12:00.001-07:00

I am looking for love ... career love, where my passion is my work. Where I can give my all in hopes of gaining anything in return; where what you give is what you get; where fulfillment, purpose, & happiness all converge into one goal. I want a job where I can risk my personal life, where I wouldn't mind the annoying email notifications to my phone, where it's all I think about ...

Com'mon passion, consume me!

"Keep me where the light is//[because] We've got dreams to remember..."
-Gravity, John Mayer

(Funny how that's so similar to what I want from a relationship.)

Show me...

2010-03-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

Show me what I'm looking for.
Give me what I need.
Show me what I have and where I want to be.
I fear that I may never find IT.

I feel like I am missing something; there's a part of me that is hiding. Something in me that I've missed- or rather- still undiscovered.

Public Profiling

2010-03-11T00:51:00.000-08:00

Today, I was Foursquare stalked.

Creepy. Scary!

I walked into REI, got what I needed, saw something cool, checked-in to my Foursquare app, got my points. The next thing I know, the customer service desk is calling me over the PA saying that I need to answer a phone call, the CSR tells me it's an emergency call and the caller told him it was an emergency that I need to answer. I answer, and the man on the other line is incoherent. He tells me "this is Tom, we met last ...- oh wait-" and begins to list off places that I've checked-in that day. I tell him that I don't know him and what did he want, and he responded by telling me that he did not know me either. I hang up.

This man actively sought me out.

In the course of the next 2 hours, I change all my settings for my social network accounts and send in a complaint to Foursquare (or so I thought). I take that back, it wasn't a complaint, but more so a voiced concern- this scenario could have happened to anyone! So how do you weed the creepy trollers out?

And then comes THATGUY... he calls me out publicly on Twitter saying that my problem was how public my profile is. He is some self-proclaimed internet savy know-it-all (that b/c I am graceful, shall remain nameless). Of course! Why didn't I think of that?? I go back to my complain/opinion thread and there it is, him attacking my concern and another's similar concern about privacy. So I do a little "homework" on him... he's responded to over 86 comments on this page. He's the opinion lurker! Wasting his time blasting and inserting his "knowledge" on others.

Changing your privacy settings doesn't fix the problem, it put's a barrier (band-aid if you will) over it. The point of social media websites is to share thoughts & experiences, create a network, and expand your horizons that way. It isn't a place for lurkers to prey and stalk others. But sadly enough, once you open the door, you let the good in with the bad.

For now, taking a Foursquare break. Screw the badges and the points, I just wanted to share a part of my experiences.

Love (noun): An Addendum

2010-03-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting revelation this week about love: love is unchanging. Seems simple enough right?

Well, let me try to explain:

Love is seeing past your own insecurities, past your desires, past your ego ... and knowing that whatever direction is chosen, you know it is right/true/provides happiness.
Example: an significant ex tells you they are getting married. Once past the initial shock, next comes abandonment: when did this happen? why didn't this happen with me? a million other questions come flooding in...

But then you take a good look at them, and see how at peace they are at this moment in time. (This is what they mean by "settled.") You feel deep down to your core that you still look at that person with the same conviction, admiration, and respect whether they are by your side or leaving you behind. In a life that changes instant to instant, love is the only feeling that remains.

Someday, someone will put me first.
"I believe that my life's going to see, the love I give return back to me..." (John Mayer - Wheel)

wall + me --> SMACK

2010-02-25T00:20:00.001-08:00

it's only been 1.5 weeks that I've been seriously applying for jobs and I've already hit a wall. Overwhelmed would be the word of the evening...

S---
F---
damn it!

figuring out my entire future without being paid for is a rather large load.

throwing the towel in for today, i've got nothing. poo.

Swift kick in the youknowwhat

2010-02-23T00:29:00.000-08:00

so, i've come to realize that being laid off is about a 1/2 step up from being fired. you were the expendable one; the one where the company could do without. although i think i'd characterize my being laid off from this position along the lines of being broken up with where you wanted to break it off 1st. damn, those work fantasies of going 'office space' on the fax machine will never come true now.

all jokes aside, so what now?

i am so fortunate to have such supportive family and friends be right there by my side. not just financially, but just offering words of support, advice, a laugh, shoulder to cry on... it's a very scary/confusing/liberating time. it's one of those things where you were stuck in this gianormous rut and this is the swift kick in the ass to really get your life together. it's like being shocked back to life.

the scary part of this process is that i am finding myself so easily vulnerable- in situations where i was confident before, there have been a few instances where i didn't even know what to do with myself. even in social situations, i almost feel i've regressed because of this hit to my ego. interesting isn't it?

so life, as i know it, consists of: networking, applying for jobs, following up on leads, finding different ways to gain skills/expand my resume (e.g. volunteer/part-time work), cleaning, training (I still have the Solvang Century on 3/13 & LA marathon on 3/21). and what of relationships? definitely on the backburner until i can get a handle on things, including myself. till then, i am pretty content on being 3rd/5th/7th/9th/11th wheel or running the perfect guy ;)

perspective. it's so loaded now ...

simplification

2010-01-16T23:20:00.000-08:00

those who think they are straight forward are actually pretty complex. or conversely, we find their way of thinking hugely complicated. insert my catch-phrase here: it's all about perspective.

dating is so frustratingly complicated. we all hope one day we'll meet that very person ... "the one." at yet, we have no idea what in the world to expect. for the time being, we meet others who come so close and yet fail in some minute way. so here comes my rant of the day and then i can drift off to sleep in hopes of getting another step closer to happiness: i want to be loved, simply for me. no version of me... no situation where i have to sacrifice everything... love everything that i am now, that i was, and what i will be. simple, true, pure. and i will promise the same.

"tomorrow... maybe tomorrow..."
(richey lam - ghost)

by Mark Twain

2009-12-31T12:41:00.000-08:00

"On with the dance, let joy be unconfined..."

Self-Worth

2009-12-18T17:46:00.000-08:00

I begun to realize how fickle my faith is in myself. Growing up, I, like everyone else, developed insecurities. But as I've matured, I've learned that I can handle most situations. But really, handling them to what extent?

I believe I've found the virus that has been plaguing my post-graduate life: a devalued self-worth. I didn't graduate with the best of grades, did not get into graduate schools, nor is my personal life clearly marked. I've noticed that in my work and personal relationships that I almost had to shake them and say, "DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD I AM?," but never did ... I was too arrogant or unassertive enough to be able to stand up for myself. I always thought my work speaked for itself. As it did, but the other side did not realize it until much later.

So what is self-worth? It's an undeniable confidence in yourself and abilities. )For some, it comes off as arrogance, but with arrogance there is an underlying layer of ignorance or a sophmoric attitude. Again, I stress the key word in that last statement is confidence.) It's essentially having your own back, unafraid of not reaching your goal ... it's not settling or compromising yourself.

A close friend and I have the same struggle. We tell each other the same advice all the time. But now, I really want better for myself. I deserve better for myself and for everything that I stand for. (Knowing and realizing are 2, entirely seperate entities). This won't be an easy thing to change, because it also involves self-confidence which has come few and far inbetween lately. But at least I know I will be working on it...

'Til next time ...

Bah hum bug... rant

2009-12-09T18:59:00.000-08:00

I miss gentlemanly behavior.

I miss receiving flowers for the sole reason of being thought of.

The holidays always makes me wishful, but always for something more than I can attain. I think that's why it makes some depressed ... because they want something that's almost impossible in this time.

Dear Christmas, it's been a pretty emotional year but I hope that you'll bring me peace of mind, serenity, and please bring back my full-loving heart. Bring my destiny to a reality.

Don't know which one I've had

2009-11-23T11:15:00.000-08:00

Good is good and bad is bad. But you don't know which one you've had. -Sheryl Crow

When I think about it, this has been a very stressful year. I went from being happy to having had a lot of things fall apart. It makes me wonder if being happy at the time was just a bandaid ... something to hide the root of the problem.

Sheryl Crow's song previously reminded me to keep the good things and the bad things separate, so that I can remember the good and move forward from the bad. But that second line dawned on me this morning ... what if I cannot tell which was what? What if the good was really bad and vice versa. I don't know ... I always feel like I am learning this big lession, but I always feel like I am struggling. I want to ENJOY my life ... I think I've learned to love someone else so much that I forgot to love my own life.

Living the "single life" again has been quite the experience ... much more idiotic things have happened since the last time. It's pointed out to me what I had, what I didn't have, and what I want. Too bad they're all in different people.

I am hoping for a change in the tide. Somehow reinvent myself for true success and happiness. Until then, my search continues ...

just checking in

2009-11-16T00:05:00.000-08:00

it's been very crazy since I returned from my China trip...
i wonder if i will ever have a normal routine again. the instability worries me. i feel like since everything around me is so uncontrolled because I am not controlling anything.

i honestly miss him. but there are so many things that are so unreasonable to me. he broke my heart and made me so disillusioned about life that i dont even know what to do. how does one say that it's ok that he doesnt want me to move in, doesnt believe in marriage, and wants me to wait for him? that makes no sense.

i just want things to go my way ... i miss the warmth in my life. i still feel so lost. i just want to be whole again.

thank you for listening. i didnt know who else to turn to.

The "Before 30 Bucket List"- Part 1

2009-10-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

In 2.55 years, I would like to accomplish:

Complete a full Ironman
Clear credit card debit
Zip-linging in Costa Rica
See Auroa Borealis with my own eyes
Greece/Spain/Italy
Petra/Egypt
Ride from San Francisco to LA

... to be continued

Reality bites

2009-09-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

reality rushing over me like a brisk cold wave of emotion ... i can feel the hurt setting in as it decides to postulate at the bottom of my stomach. it was only a matter of time before the hurt came to overtake me. it's amazing what people will do to numb the pain- to distract, avoid, prolong the inevitable ... hoping to somehow skip to the part where it all feels better.

it just doesn't make sense anymore.

Something to meditate on

2009-09-22T21:36:00.000-07:00

Love is just love.

all over the map with a destination

2009-09-21T23:29:00.000-07:00

i know i say this often, especially when times feel like their darkest ... or at least some variant of this but here goes:
hope. in hope there is faith. in faith there is the true essence of love.

today i realized i've gone from feeling fantastic! to ... just fine.

it's actually shocking how easily you can live for someone instead of with someone. i lived the past 9 months for someone in order to follow a dream. but as i am slowly dissecting now, i see that we were chasing different dreams. him, taking a leap in career; me, taking a leap of love. somehow, this fantasy of ours became muddled in time changes and call times and new changes each to their own. distance = doomed? i guess we both had to find out for ourselves.

some of my closest friends comment of how much i've grown emotionally and how much of "a champ" i am for taking things the way that i am. i am sad ... of course i will miss him, but most of all, i will miss how we love each other. our love was the kind that was unique ... it was everything i had inside. i view this most recent break up as: ohhh ... so close // like losing a close game- good effort, but just wasn't enough today kiddo (story of my freaking life!)

in any rate, let the influx of post-breakup cliques flow through (none of which will help me feel better at this hour) ... but in all seriousness, i really wonder what these next few months will bring. i hope especially for internal peace and for me to rediscover what makes ME happy again. further down the road- i think it's safe to say that i need someone both emotionally AND physically available.

here's a quick little fantasy about the life that i want: laughter outside on a warm evening, stars, a firepit to light the night out on a beautiful deck, wine flowing, wonderful company, smiling. my life's goal now is to have both love & happiness to share ... to cherish ... to grow & flourish. oh, and let's not forget my completing-a-full-Ironman-triathlon-before-I-am-thirty thing ... :P

bursting at the seems

2009-09-19T16:00:00.000-07:00

what's inspirational is seeing just absolute love pour out of someone. once it breaks open- it's joyous, beautiful, and amazing.

so i will not take offense when someone sees my heart on my shoulder, for at least i am filled with heart and emotion.

one can never hide the love in their heart.

down with love!

2009-09-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

i don't know why i keep subjecting myself to it. it's almost masocistic. now begins the painful morning process of all the love i possed for him. why him? it's either there or it isn't. i don't question it. i'm heartbroken that it cannot continue on in the same way. the truth of our relationship saddens me.

i'm scared. i feel like i've landed and i don't know where i am. what will happen 3 months from now? will the end result be closer together or further away? i don't understand selfishness. saying goodbye just seems so paradoxal in this situation. i feel that i've gained maturity, but now lost so much emotionally.

i feel a great loss.

what will fulfill me next?

univision

2009-08-28T00:22:00.001-07:00

find a vision that keeps your heart warm.

the facade

2009-08-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

hate this place- physically, mentally, emotionally. change is typically reflected in a positive light. and yet, no one - including myself - really ever fully realizes the reality of it all. in my case, i think i found the other side of change's coin: the bottom side. i think it's mainly the fact that this is not MY place and I do not feel comfortable at all. all my recent change was the result of others' decisions.

i hate the noise the factory across the street makes. i hate the random car booming it's bass or rev-ing its engine. i hate seeing the cars behind me glare as i slow down to turn into my own parking garage. i hate having to wear ear plugs to sleep. i hate feeling that i always have to clean up after myself. i hate thinking a roommate is pissed at me because they are moody. i hate my crazy boss who can't get her head out of the 90's. i hate that she stirs the pot and claims she is not one. i hate that i work so hard and cannot earn enough to enjoy my life outside of work. i hate feeling left behind. i hate not being able to travel to see my loved ones. i hate that my car is unreliable. i hate waiting for the unknown. i hate knowing that i am not a true priority right now.

this is the past 2 months of me. how did this happen? i found balance. i found me and strived to live through love ... and now i hate. i know all those things above is what i don't want, and therefore, hate. such the thinnest line between the two ... for too long have i been struggling! 4 months of emotional, physical, mental turmoil churning from my heart to my head- resulting in pure, utter disappointment and self-pity.

goodness gracious, i don't want to be here anymore!

impasse

2009-08-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

in my previous relationship, i learned that hesitation & fear led to missing my turn. i also learned that loving someone else meant loving them for who they are in their entirety and expecting nothing more that for them to be themselves.

in this relationship i am learning the vastness of love. i've learned that the clique, "you can only love another if/when you love yourself," is true. in this relationship i've learned to let the other act on their own and to communicate how their actions effect me.

but what happens when you get weary and it causes you to not love so much. (there goes a monkey-wrench in the love machine.) how does the problem get solved when the party that is able to compromise has nothing left to compromise? seems as though we have a stale-mate on our hands.

how does love fix a stale-mate? something's gotta give ... right? if the solution arises more questions, then it's really not the true solution. usually it's: answer, then deal with it. if only life changing decisions were that simple ...

gotta keep the faith that i'll get out of the tunnel. i wonder what awaits on the other side.

Dear personal psychologist (aka bloggie)

2009-06-19T07:08:00.000-07:00

why it's so difficult for me to emotionally trust others?

let's explore that shall we?

when i was 8, i wished i had the power to read minds - so that i knew how to act. i think it was so that i could combat all those bullies who picked on me throughout my elementary school years. but sometimes i see that it continues to plague me still to this day. mostly apparent in how i approach basketball - i hate starting the game (when it does happen), because i like to see the tempo of the game and adjust accordingly. for example, if i see that the girls need more defense, when i get in there, i play the best defense possible. i am truly a reactionary person - id rather wait to react rather than anticipate. in turn, i put everyone above me - i let them choose the direction of the game.

it's an odd contradiction at this point in my life. as a full-fledged "adult," i feel when it comes to personal decisions that only pertain to myself, i can do that. however, when one or more persons are involved, they are put ahead of me. what's more interesting, i can probably say that i can trust anyone with my life, but not with my emotions. in other words- i value my heart more than my physical life. strange how one part of me is so hard to give when i willingly give everything else at any given moment if asked. perhaps it's because i can see the immediate cost-benefits; whereas with matters of the heart, the heaven only knows what will return or happen.

well, all i can say is that identifying it is a great step and that i'll work on it ... progress WAS made today- thank you :)
keep you posted, chao for now.

The end of an era

2009-06-04T00:33:00.000-07:00

An Ode to my apt at Stoner ave-

4 yrs in one place is a long time ... it's like going through college/high school again. how quickly time flies and oh how much I've learned here. if these walls could talk ... i think they'd fondly laugh at how silly i was. all the good and bad, fights and friendships, old habits and new directions. as much as i hate this apt for its quirks (e.g. the wintertime icebox, a cricket's haven in summer, and the uber sensitive smoke-detector), i love it because it has been a HOME for me- a safe haven from the harsh realities of adulthood, and a place where I've matured and nurtured.

as bittersweet my farewell to this place i am giving it, i wonder if my roommate feels even half as much as i do for the apt? i can help but channel feelings of abandonment for her leaving. i wonder if it was anything i had done ... or not done? all in all, life does go on- and yet as i move forward into a new chapter in my life, i question what impact i've made ... did i leave my footprint? did this time mean something to anyone else besides me? only time will tell~ sa la vie!

so goodbye to my post-college era and hello full fledged adulthood. goodbye apt, you've been a really sweet home to me and i will never forget you :*)

2009-03-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

send love out and receive it back in return.
love free from fear, doubt, ego.
send it beyond this moment, further than the future, and back from the past.
I've said this before (and I should really listen this time): let it go; for to live is to love.

I don't want to be afraid to live anymore.
one day soon I will be able to enjoy my life how I would like to by exploring new hobbies or one day drive a more dependable car ... have a career with meaning in my life.

peace + love --> (yield) happiness

so just like Carla did on 'Top Chef'- I'm sending the love out there~

mind bottling

2009-02-25T22:51:00.000-08:00

what does the future hold? how will my life pan out? will i grow to be old? will i have children of my own? how will i make my mark in the world?

in life we learn to love, but in love there is life.

"que cira cira - whatever we'll be, we'll be ... the future's not our's to see ..."

don't think just do.
live.
love.

2009-02-04T22:51:00.000-08:00

it's hard to see the light in all this darkness.

faith lies in hope.

today i cannot see, but there is the possibility of tomorrow.

today i want more for myself.
today i miss my heart.

tomorrow or tomorrow's tomorrow greatness will reveal itself.

crave, want, desire

2009-01-14T23:08:00.000-08:00

i want adventure in the great white somewhere.
something more than this provincial life.
there must be something more ...

so much to do, so much to see.

i want my days to be worthwhile instead of loathing them. i crave experiences in foreign lands and mental pictures that my own eyes have processed.

i truly desire more ... that's all i can say for now.

S.O.S.

2008-09-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

Save our souls... lost! amongst the sea of life.

writers often use ocean or water motifs in their work to describe life, most likely to show how unstable and unpredictable it is. the ebb and flow of the ocean tide resembles the cyclic pattern of life. writers to portray their protagonist as capitan of a boat in which they must endure the challenges the sea presents. but does our hero ever find the land that he is looking for? or does he continue on ... doomed to sail the earth forever in search of the unattainable ...? lucky for our character, his life depends on his creator. it is the creator who develops and shapes through series of tests. moreover, the creator determines the fate of our beloved protagonist.

yesterday i found myself catching up with a friend who is literally in the same boat: the SS-frustrating job with little pay.

as i stuggle for financial independence, the pressure from my parents to suceed in this way is extremely high. let us also include the failing economy that ultimately determines the direction of my livelihood - if i can afford to eat out, drive to basketball, have a few drinks at the end of the week, buy myself something nice. it has been such a stressful task to reallocate wants and desires for only the necessities. with a mixture of anxiety and apprehension i ask myself: am i suppose to have everything figured out? how? when? and where did my passion for life go? after 8 years in L.A., have i earned the right to call myself a full-fledged adult?

very early this morning, i discovered that i had lost some sort of faith in the world around me ... more disturbingly, i lost faith in myself ... my abilities ... my worth. i felt lost amongst a sea of dreamers.

when i was little, i would love to get lost ... because i always found something new from it. it was I who discovered something - and it was exhilirating and special. but why am i so scared to get lost now? for the past month, i had been toying with so many theories to explain this period in my life ... to somehow throw me into the mist of something new - but nothing wanted to come out. perphaps ive become disillusioned that dreams can come true and as much as i say i have to move on from past dreams of becoming a Physical Therapist - i am still heartbroken from that fact.

so where does my ship take me now? i shall call this the period of discovery. time to set sail to conquer the 7 seas. it's time to get lost again ... in hopes of finding my passion once more.

where there is passion, there is happiness ... and in the end, love.

Fears

2008-07-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson
[Often said to have been quoted in a speech by Nelson Mandela. The source is Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, Harper Collins, 1992. —Peter McLaughlin]

"The Reason" lyrics

2008-07-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not a perfect person/There's many things I wish I didn't do/But I continue learning/I never meant to do those things to you/And so I have to say before I go/That I just want you to know/I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you/It's something I must live with everyday/And all the pain I put you through/I wish that I could take it all away/And be the one who catches all your tears/Thats why i need you to hear/I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over newand the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person/I never meant to do those things to you/And so I have to say before I go/That I just want you to knowI've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is you/I've found a reason to show/A side of me you didn't know/A reason for all that I do/And the reason is you.

it's bittersweet really. hardship and sadness in love and forward change. i thank you for making me better. i hope that one day we both will understand why.

just love

2008-06-04T01:49:00.000-07:00

live in love.

to live in fear is to not to live at all.
fear is the denial of oneself.

to live in love is to accept happiness we did not see coming.
love is divine excellence.

it's been said that 'love conquers all.'
love is all consuming.

are you ready?
do you believe?

love and happiness - it does exist if you let it just happen.
it has ... it will continue to find me.

the pursuit of MY happiness

2008-05-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

since the 6th grade i had this idea in my head that i wanted to become a P.T. i think it was because i was so heavily into sports that it simply seemed right even though i hadnt the faintest idea of what it was exactly. in college, i discovered the true, all-encompassing rehabilitative extent that physical therapy could provide for people. i wanted more than life to be apart of it. it felt like my calling. the down side to all of this: my grades. unforturnately, throughout the entire medical field, a competitive GPA is required for admission into graduate study. i do not fit that critium - hell, i am lucky to even call myself an UCLA graduate.

lately i've been struggling with a new career direction. i've recently decided that i will not be persuing physical therapy school any longer. after 3 years of applying, i no longer possess the passion fueling my aspirations to become a physical therapist. this pursuit toward financial happiness is reminiscent and almost analogus to a relationship ... like ideals toward love.

for example: love is simple. therefore, a relationship should not be so difficult. granted a fair amount of work has to be done upon a daily basis. but fundamentally, it shouldn't be hard. now applied toward P.T. school - it shouldn't be this hard ... and i perphaps should have had the grades in the first place.

furthermore, i firmly believe that learning about and how to love is a lifelong process. many hold a firm idea and even theorize about love (especially myself), but it's difficult to actually conceptualize and articulate what it is exactly. as far as i know so far, love just exists ... it just is. that leads me to believe that perphaps my love for physical therapy was just an idea; perphaps it was something that i just wanted in my life but did not stop to truly see if it fit with me and my life at this point. (think: round hole, square peg).

don't get me wrong, i truly believe that anyone can be AWESOME at anything if they choose to. i think i would do well as a physical therapist. but realistically, i do not know how well i would fair in P.T.-school itself. perphaps that is what all of the admissions committees have been seeing all along, and i was just hoping that i could prove them wrong.

the discontent in my life is written all over my face this morning. i hold all this passion inside, so entirely overwhelming that i want to cry.

i WANT to do something great~ ... utilize my talents~ ... make my mark in this world.

so, goodbye to an old dream ... no tears, no sadness. it is almost bittersweet.

i am looking forward to a new endeavor. this is my opportunity to make a real dream come true ... to find my true passion and excel.

i just wonder if i will find it or will it somehow find me?

life & liberty

2008-05-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

i thought that title appropriate since i just returned from philadelphia, PA. seeing how important/inspirational the liberty bell was for people throughout american history was actually surprising. not much emphasis upon the symbolic importance from the liberty bell is apparent these days ... but i am proud to recognize the american spirit to endure and drive foward to help us gain freedoms not everyone held before is truly an amazing thing.

however, i did not appreciate seeing a sticker at the famous geno's philly cheesesteak saying, "i am american. i speak english." it's exceptionally racist as well as inconsistent with history. america was and still is built upon immigrants. integrating new cultures and values is not easy, but is something truly amazing that we can all co-exist together peacefully. i also did not enjoy walking throughout the city with my teammates (whom were also all chinese/asian) and hearing people asks us if we spoke english.

my rating of philadelphia: like the mediocre apricot tarte i tasted prior to this trip - that city has a lot of potential. it is beautiful, but its people do not take pride in their city ... and it shows. they do not embrace difference. i thought it was the 'city of brotherly love'? perphaps i was spoiled being raised in san francisco, where culture and diversity are celebrated ... spoiled from living in los angeles, where each culture is influences life.

i just wish the rest of the country could remember the basis of our existence: life & liberty ... freedom by way of embracing differences.

as days go by...

2008-05-20T07:36:00.000-07:00

as we're already approaching JUNE ... just some food for thought, courtsey of realsimple.com :)

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day. -- Anonymous

yes, i am the enternal optimist.

memories ...

2008-05-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

... like the corner in my mind ...

greetings kiddos,

i know it's been quite awhile since i've personally written to you all. i hope you have been well.

i was in vegas last weekend visiting the parentals for mother's day. we were at dinner and deciding what our plan was for sunday morning. my brother and i decided to make brunch-in-bed for her. a funny thing happened: she told everyone how she remembered how i used to make her breakfast in bed ... but since i was too young to use the stove, i brought her cheerios in a bowl with a spoon, a cup for milk (so she could pour it in), and a cup of orange juice. :)
for some reason, i completely forgot that i used to do that. it's funny really ... to be brought back so quickly like that. i blushed and sebastian laughed. my mom called it cute. gosh, kids are the cutests things! :P

so i brought sebastian to my room at my parents' house ... and my desk that i had since the 2nd grade was moved there .... with junk and all inside of it. we decided to dive in and see what we could find. to my utter humiliation and embarrassment, he found a diary .... he jimmied the little lock and out came moments from i think mid-7th grade. if my memory serves me correct, that was a painful year. HA! after all my begging and pleading ... he only read the 1st entry. fairly harmless (but still embarrassing!!)
but he did bring up a good point: it was a long time ago. sure, it's easier for someone else to laugh at that stuff whereas i'd rather forget that era. i did live through it, and it's helped shaped who i've become today. it's funny what was a big deal to us back then isn't so much so anymore. my life thus far has been such an amazing journey toward self discovery. growing and learning in this great big world.

an now that i've gotten so existentialistic, it's time to continue back to the little things .... like cleaning my room :P

ps - so funny thing as well, my co-worker just saw a monologue play about people who read their diaries from the 6/7th grade ... how coincidental! maybe my diary should be up there too ;)

make a wish

2008-04-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

make a wish ... and place it in your heart.

do you have it?

anything your want, EVERYTHING you want

do you have it?

good - now believe it can come true.

you never know where the next miracle is going to come from ... the next smile ... the next wish coming true.

but if you believe that it's right around the corner, and if you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it ... to the certainty of it ... you might just get the thing you're wishing for.

the world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it.

so make your wish ...

do you have it?

good - now BELIEVE in it ... with ALL of your heart.

on moving on

2008-04-15T18:05:00.000-07:00

Life: daring to imagine your life not as you planned it to be.

Love: "we both lit the match that burned the bridge" - lifehouse

Laughter: helps us face our fears

on dream chasing

2008-03-19T21:05:00.001-07:00

if you dont get it, you might end up with something better.

How to Deal

2008-02-28T08:42:00.000-08:00

so there's this new NBC show 'quarterlife' about these young adults ... post-college, trying to find their way. kinda like where i am now ... as in "quarter life crisis" themed, where these characters are trying to establish themselves in the world while still really figuring out who they are. sound familiar?? i guess the interesting aspect of the show is that the main character has this video blog. and i thought to myself: my blog is pretty emo itself, and she reveals EVERYTHING down to the point where she outs her friends on stuff and what she really thinks. she got in trouble with her friends of course, but she speaks the truth i guess. i guess im just not sure how i'd handle video of myself, especially being all vulnerable and such (b/c i truly hate being vulnerable, let alone the world to see).

anyways, i do depend on this blog to logically voice my fears, doubts, spurts of optimism and hope that i thought i lost, songs that match my mood, accomplishments, etc. ... all in all, im heard in some fashion, it's out of me and into the world. so you can say, it's how i make sense of my world ... it's how i deal.

this week has been another rollercoaster-esque one in which the culmination of school/work/extra-curriculars are soon to be all reaching their pinacle. i have finals coming up in which im probably highly unprepared for and struggling to keep up. i still havent even come up with a solid topic for my term research paper and it's due next week. my molecular bio prof is still hounding the class to the point of near harassment of how difficult this section's exam will be. the solvang century is a week and half away and i still havent compartenmentalized my feelings for jer.

did i miss anything? yes, my friends ... im so busy these days, i can hardly keep up with their lives as well. it's sort of a mutual thing, but gchat and cell phones help. and yes, i was hardcore enough to fly to vegas after a 75 mile bike ride to see them for ~10 hrs ... i needed to see them. and as ali had pointed out: it's so hard to get ALL of us in one single place. we are a special group and i know we're all with each other in our hearts :)

so my weekend was filled with some flattery - i think it was just the confidence booster i needed. it spurred a positive reaction that's probably keeping me from imploding. but all in all, i didnt ask for my current situation with jer. in fact, i wanted the complete opposite. i am disappointed in him as a friend ... like i dont know him anymore. i also hate the fact that i feel like he cares about everyone and everything else EXCEPT me.
but a thought hit me the other night on my way home from class: do i really have the time for such an intense relationship? just as he supposedly cannot emotionally expend for me, i couldnt spatially afford to do the same. so maybe it was doomed from the beginning. in any rate, i think at this point, i wont be happy anywhere until i achieve my career goals. dont get me wrong, i am still a love-bug. but today is a day where everyone, including myself, needs to remind me to be strong through this ... strong enough to care about all the other aspects of my life so that i dont fall appart on the outside.

i had an interesting conversation with a friend who's highly religious - and i am as well, to a certain point, but no where near him or even my brother. he was venting to me, and i shared that i prayed for my own happiness. he quickly responded with a warning, as if to say, "becareful what you wish for." yes, God works in mysterious ways, but he was worried it would raise havoc in my life. i thought to myself: well, my life is pretty crazy now ... but at least i know no matter what is thrown at me, i will be able to handle it.

during my weekly sob-fest, my best friend told me now is the time to dig in deep ... really pull through for myself. it's true, because no one else will do it for me. i immediately pictured myself on my bike from saturday's ride where i swear i wasnt going to make it up that damn mountain. i did stop 2x to regroup for a second, but i made it.

i can, and i will.

10 things i hate about you

2008-02-11T16:37:00.000-08:00

not in any particular order:

your stubbornness
your pride
you always have to stand out
over-endulgent
you impose on others and expect everyone to be okay with it
you always react first
ego-centric
you dont understand me
you could never tell me how you really feel about me
that i've loved you.

Rats

2008-02-11T00:09:00.000-08:00

happy lunar new year to you! the year of the rats is upon us ... according to the chinese zodiac, this begins the 12 animal cycle. the rat signifies the beginning because it was the first animal to reach the foot of the buddha. neet huh.

for some reason, i am always reminded of the sacramento warlords tournament that always happened at the end of march, but their t-shirts always had chinese new year animal on it. 12 years ago, i earned my first all-star for that tournament =) i had to play point guard because our best player couldnt make that tournament. i was nervous as hell the whole wknd because i struggled with ball handling throughout the season. to the point where i didnt even want the ball. but my coach was so encouraging ... and i was recognized for my hard work, hehe. i think i have that ratty ugly blue all-star shirt somewhere .... that or it went to goodwill.

chinese new year is always a special and exciting time for my family. time for good food ... and maybe even a true feeling of starting a fresh year over again. a time where tradition is essential! those traditions often remind me how superstitious chinese people are. a time to see family and wish them well. this year i got to at least have a meal with both sides of my family in which for years past, it's been difficult for me to get the chance to go back home. it's always so great to go back home and see what's changed and what hasnt. it's familiar and new all at the same time. i love fantasizing about one day living in the city. it's so great seeing how big my little cousins are getting. today was a bit of a rarity: i got to spend a few blocks walking and talking with my brothers - just us 3. it's been awhile and it's so funny that we just fall into our usual dynamic. gaw (chris), geet (ollie) and me =)

as my parents dropped me off at sfo, my mom hands me a tangerine (something eaten for good luck ... ppl give oranges/tangerines during chinese new year for good luck .... im chalking it up to that being because the citrus family being in season during this time of the year. and this year is especially sweet!). anyways, as she hands me the tangerine, she says to me on of those chinese proverbs which are ultimately metaphors that you are suppose to apply to your life but their literal translations to english sound completely random. so the literal translation of what my mom said: eat the tangerine so that your belly grows big. translation: eat the translation for good luck so you have a belly like buddha; and ppl rub the buddha's belly for good luck, hence having a buddha's belly = good luck. hah! my parents always ramble odd chinese sayings and expect me to understand them .... it's really funny actually because they can translate to something like, "dont let the cow run into a tree." meaning something like dont ruin your career.

so ive rambled enough about my wacky chinese side ... i truly miss my family, friends, and the city. but, back in LA, it's time for bed.

on that note, here's a playlist to describe my mood:
"shadow of the day" - linkin park
"wonderful world" - james morrison
"silver lining" - riko kiley

maybe im not suppose to know ... but at least i have a general direction. i gotta remember to have faith in things working out the way they are suppose to.

just give me the light ...

2008-02-08T09:32:00.000-08:00

me: i know me ....i will get thru it/just sucks today
Oscar: God makes people like you shine bright so that you may illuminate those around you. And i would be lying if i said that you have never lit up my life. So in these time where you feel down, know that those that you have shared ur illuminating lifght will be there to to brighten your life as you have done for so many. You do have a special brightness to you, an incomperable optimism. That those you affect will always be there returning your blessing. God blesses us so they we may be a blessing to others
me: thank u.:]

thanks for the reminder oscar ... our convos are always so meaningful.

my best friend also reminded me this morning (as i was so embarassingly sobbing my eyes out) about the concept of the light inside. i remember having a fire deep within. it drove me to overcome so much. throughout my years in LA, i've wondered where it went. did it burn out? or nothing is feeding it?

so in the past 6 weeks ive learned about myself:

i fear being left behind - physically, emotionally ... with job/career, friends moving, etc.
i have trust issues.
im messy when busy.
being honest with yourself is so liberating and scary at the same time.
on that note, i hate feeling vulnerable ... but the reward feels soooooo good.
my stubbornness causes difficulties for me to let go of things.

wow. that's a lot.

i do miss him and i really do love him. i think he may be/have been the love of my life.

moving in circles is interesting ... you cant predict where u'll meet again. but for now, my direction is different from your's. that makes me sad.

Best Friends

2008-01-31T08:42:00.000-08:00

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. -- Roderick Thorp

remember back in the 3rd grade where giving out the title of best friend was on the basis of how nice the other was to you by sharing their lunch, always playing with you during recess and lunch, sharing cool crayon colors or getting yourselves into trouble afterschool? and in the 6th grade, you shared your secrets with them - telling of your newest crush and plotting how to get their attention. in high school, your best friend was the person who didnt stab you in the back and always stuck up for you (even in front of your parents). in college, your best friend held your hair as you threw up from drinking too much, studied with you until dawn for the test you should've been studying for way before that point, and they helped you move that old/heavy couch into 4 different apartments.

yes, best friends, as all people, enter and exit our lives. but we choose those we hold closely for a reason: we trust them beyond all doubt. we stand by their side and would move heaven and earth if they asked. why? because you know they would do the same.

in my journey through self-exploration, i strive to grow and understand life through my own perspective. i've tested my wings time and time again. not all trials are successful, but i always learn a lesson from it. today's mantra: be my own best friend. i think it goes hand in hand with my resolution to be honest with myself. i know i am freely give my honest opinion to those i love. so, it's time to be my own best friend.

"Complicated"

2008-01-25T14:30:00.000-08:00

"... I wish I could change / I wish I could change / I wish I could stop / Sayin the same old things / I wish I could be / Who u want me 2 be / I wish I could stop / Being the same old me / I wish I could lose / All of my blues ..." - Robin Thicke

ok, you have to trust me when i say, this song is really catchy when you hear it.
anyways .....

i wish i could get this idea out of my head. i wish i could let go of it. but at the same time, i kinda dont want to. i thought i saw something that could defy the odds .. something true - looking back on that moment, it was sort of cloudy. *shrug* c'est la vie.

i think ive made progress in my ability to let go of "potentials." however, being the optimist as heart ... i WANT to see things workout the way i had envisioned them. but, as i have learned over the years .... it really doesnt turn out that way. those who can actually make their vision a reality are the inspirational ones. it's like magic - defying reality.

i may not know the road very well, but i know where i will end up will be better than i could have ever imagined.
"... que sera sera, whatever we'll be - we'll be, the future's not our's to see...."

Driving Force

2008-01-24T09:29:00.000-08:00

"...i want to be the car crash..." - snow patrol

okay, well living in LA ... that could very well happen.... but then it would get expensive with insurance crap and not that i want to potentially hurt someone either! well i want to be, just not LITERALLY ... it's a metaphor, damn it!
anyways, i am tired of having things happen to me ... tired of being the victim. i want to cause something (positive of course). i am a force to be reckoned with!

sorry, way too much caffeine consumption over the past 72-hours with 9.5 hours until my first midterm of the quarter. i feel a bit over my head right now as the past 2 weeks have been just NUTS. i forget the level of arrogance in ucla professors differs from smc. this one used the classic techniques of basically telling the class we were screwed. no! i refuse! (even though im not as prepared as i like ... still, that mental block can hinder so much...)

yesterday reinforced my need to do what is right for me and not for someone/thing else .... no settling here - i want more ... i deserve more because it's my life and no one else will demand it for me as much as i can.

my life priorities for the past 3 weeks: work/school/eat/read/online class/find a way to workout/team in training.

yipes ... what did i get myself into?

ps - http://www.active.com/donate/tntgla/tntglaMWong1

Sunday Morning

2008-01-13T19:50:00.000-08:00

i remember sunday mornings at the house i grew up in ... i would awake to the sound of football blarring from downstairs, while my dad worked on the car in the garage. they used to be filled with lunches or dim sum with my family, grocery shopping with my mom, fighting my brothers for the washing machine or computer...

sunny sunday mornings are the best. the gentle sunlight peeking in, nudging you to ease you out of bed. sunday's are filled with freedom to relax, get things you've probably ignored throughout the week done, but simply to enjoy yourself.

this past week has been really difficult for me in terms of really feeling what it is to be truly by myself. i've always tried to escape it through continuous relationships, finding new circles, etc. i guess i haven't given myself time with ... myself. it's a bit scary sometimes. all i have is me ... it's so much easier to focus on someone else. somehow, the other person isn't quite as complicated as yourself.

i often fantasize about waking up on a sunny sunday morning with the future love of my life ... we'd get to sleep in a bit, eventually roll out of bed and make brunch while listening to cool-jazzy-urban-relaxing music. we'd eat, read the paper and drink our coffee. we'd laugh at the funnies section, plan our day ... whether it'd be picking up food for the week at the market or taking a stroll at the park or catching something at a museum ... i know they would be a lot of warmth and love ... holding hands ... being silly .... and occasional soft kisses. that would be perfection.

i have faith it's out there ... that sense of warmth, love and completeness. one day, sunday mornings won't be just for one.

footprints

2008-01-02T23:54:00.000-08:00

my best friend brought that concept to my attention today. he said, "we dont really know how big of a footprint we've left behind us."

sometimes i wonder how big... how deep... or if it was in the right direction. do i really make a difference in the world? in someone else's life? i guess i always look back for validation. it's been such a struggle for me to confidently give a part of myself away and trust in another to return something equally significant back.

time to make my own footprints ... hope you can follow them

just embrace it

2008-01-02T08:46:00.000-08:00

Happy new year!
as one of my favorite people said to me as we made our early morning walk in the city to the bart-station new year's morning, ' '07 was heaven but i'm gonna be great in '08.'

"just embrace it..." catch phrase of my weekend :P
it's a great mantra for sh** that just happens or temporarily justifying the unexplainable. just accept it and move forward. lately ive been thinking more emotionally efficient than normal. it feels great because im less inclined to get stuck in a moment and keeps me moving.

in any rate, another helpful and appliciable realsimple.com thought of the day:
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -- Joseph Campbell
like in one of my favorite movies in '07 "knocked up": "life doesnt care about your plans. it happens anyway." so theoretically, the plans that i could make for myself are always technically thrown out the window. but mind you, that doesnt mean stop making goals. the things you want in your life wont magically, i think, it's more along the lines of: your life wont happen the way you envision it. the easier it is for you to let go of your previous vision, i think the easier you can actually live your life =)

pants on fire!

2007-12-28T16:13:00.000-08:00

liar liar ... pants on fire.
a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie.

if i had a nickle for everytime i've been caught in a lie, i could buy myself a nice bottle of wine. yipes. i remember hiding bowls under my bed for the ice cream i "secretly" ate ... only to see the disgusted look on my parents face and taunting laughs some childhood friends gave when they exposed the ugly truth.

most lies are generated as an excuse ... to justify doing something you know is wrong, but feel compelled to do so inspite of everything. something you are supposedly suppose to grow out of. right?

well, apparently not me. at this day in age, all the so-called self improvements that i've made feel nullified because i lied. lies hurt. and i truly didnt mean to hurt a close friend. i wanted satisfaction at any cost. but that price tag is just too high ...

all in all, ive been lying to myself. justifying way too many things for the way that i operate. for the most part, things are fine. but when u get to down to the core, this way isnt at all right and inappropriate for me.

i found my new year's resolution: to be honest - with myself. that way i can be truly earnest to others. whole-hearted in all my actions. i want this resolution to stick ... forever.

... i pray for forgiveness and peace.

naps are wonderful

2007-12-27T09:43:00.000-08:00

yet another perfectly put thought of the day by realsimple.com (which i should start subscribing to too!!):
No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap. -- Carrie Snow

thank goodness for the treatment tables and private rooms at work =) 15 minutes to reset, feel refreshed ... add a little caffeine and you're good to go for the long-haul!

this is why i <3 naps *^_^*

it's simple really

2007-12-26T14:21:00.000-08:00

Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. -- Swami Sivananda
yay for the realsimple.com thought of the day on my igoogle page.

i liked that one, especially because i know a very successful person who does that in every aspect of their life. i'd love to emulate that ... yup, uploaded onto my 'ways to improve' list.

christmas was a blur, but im glad to be apart of bringing joy to family =)

onto new year's .... resolutions? hmm, none of them i never really keep .. in any rate, i always strive for self-improvement/balance ... making it better than the last.

hopes for '08: a great future and happiness. that's all i can ask for really.

so i will keep chugging along.

focus .... breathe ... focus.

ouch, man. ouch.

2007-12-21T00:33:00.000-08:00

i hate it when a person whom you think you can trust completely .... somehow finds their way to utterly disappoint you - to the point where you never thought it was possible they could hurt you that way.

this is why i have trust issues: it makes me think i expect too much from people.

a very good year

2007-12-20T01:16:00.000-08:00

like a fine red wine. i like to think that 2007 was one full of emotional growth and self-actualization. i tried my best in everything i did. loved and cherished all those closest to me. took a step forward. hopefully santa will see how hard i've been working all year long & grant me a really great christmas wish! :P (hey santa, dont forget i'll be staying at grandma's this year!)

only good things to come .... i can feel it *^_^*

ps - if you arent in the christmas spirit yet ... watch "this christmas" =)

so close! and yet, so far...

2007-12-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

like mile 10.0 of 13.2 by foot or mile 34.2 of 45.0 and having your bike chain break ...

i learn a new life lesson every week or so. i'm not perfect, but i am me. i had a conversation yesterday with my bff. her and i are like 1 mind at times, and a characteristic we share in common is that we're both bubbly about 89.5% of the time. she was telling me how it annoyed her that those around her are at a lost when she isnt bubbly. i said, "i know!!"

so ive decided that i have to figure out a new procedure for when shit hits the fan ... instead of freaking out and getting stressed out and thinking omg-the-world-is-coming-to-an-end ... and probably more importantly, taking it out on ppl - esp those closest to me. in other words, i need a more constructive outlet. i exercise a lot and do yoga (from time to time) .... perphaps a new mental approach.

i think i'll know the right person when i can tell him:
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here.

WORD!

Just Perfect

2007-12-10T09:46:00.000-08:00

these words struck me when i was at the laundromat the other day with my ipod on blast:

Oh God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
The wisdom to know the difference
... and God give me the courage to love with an open heart,
An open heart, an open heart I wanna love with an open heart
... with an open heart

"Intro: Loving" - India Arie

mental mush

2007-12-10T09:12:00.000-08:00

no vivid prose today, just random thoughts:

im so over my physiology class .... and i still cant find that final push to actually study.
i am sad. but i will be ok.
i thought i had made progress, but now i dont feel so strong anymore - like there is some void all of a sudden.
you were my rock where i placed my hand.
i wonder if i had given enough for you to return back to me.
no one has ever been able to reach me like you.
have u ever felt like the advice your friends give you feels wrong?
i wonder if you will find yourself back with me. i think that is what makes me the most uncertain, and indirectly the saddest ... i just dont know. i know that we always come back together - whether one person ends it and when we least expect it.
but today i am sad ... i wanna help ... i wish i could help ... be there for you like you did for me, but you and i both know that's not what you need right now.
maybe i was the one who deals with things in the most efficient way possible that it wore you down.
deep down, ive always wanted you near.

"and that's the way this wheel keeps working out ... " - john mayer

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas

2007-12-09T01:06:00.000-08:00

...everywhere you go....

i love that song. i was on my bike today where i started to sing to myself "this christmas" & later on proceeded to put in my 98-degrees christmas cd in (hey, they do a really great job w/the accapellas!) i think one of the reasons why people attenuate christmas on being special is because of the joy, wonderment and magic that occurs during the holiday season.

christmas is always filled with tradition and wanting to be close to those you love. i think i've had pretty lonely christmas pasts over the past few years. that sucks. i'd love nothing more than to have someone special to trudge to the mall or look online for ... to see the joy i brought for them for christmas.

one of these days, someone will do that for me. dear santa, please bring me someone like that.

on a different note, i like to joke around with my friends when things in my romantic life go awry that it's similar to carrie from 'sex and the city' or meredith from 'grey's anatomy.' today, i feel like carrie, an episode where she's yelling at mr. big: everytime we become something, i get burned. everytime .... i get hurt.

songs to fit my mood:

"the trouble with love is" - kelly clarkson
"breathe in breathe out" - mat kearney
"wonderful world" - james morrison
"i'll be home for christmas" - [insert your favorite artist here]

Level Up

2007-12-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

remember a rousing game of 'super mario brothers'? as for me, my parents never let me and my brothers have one. i guess thinking back, we weren't home THAT often and we had a computer. anyways, well with any video game, our protagonist is in search of something (e.g. a prize, princess, secret magical land, etc) and he/she has to fight many battles, use their problem solving skills, and test themselves physically (as 2-d can possibly present).

this reminds me of life. a person has a dream and struggles like crazy in all aspects to attain it.

this week has been so emotionally difficult for me. i had faced a part of my past i have gladly moved on from, but at the same time grounded b/c i feel like i haven't traveled as far as i thought. these two individuals were both at one time in my life extremely close to me. for some worldly reason, relationships with each of these individuals did not work out. however, in my most reason conversations with them, both have attacked my character. i felt insulted, and i feel misrepresented.

in the past 2 years, i know i have matured emotionally. after overcoming everything from grad-school rejections, lost lovers, to family quarrels .... i am so much more self-assured in my own abilities. and i try my best for understanding from all sides of the story. in short, i have a descent account for my emotions.

i do have a sensitive side .... others have called it 'vulnerability.' however, it's never stopped me from eventually succeeding. i have fought my own battles, never asking anyone to fight them for me. i reach out to people when there is doubt, when i lose some of that self-assurance. no person is an island and cannot forge into battles on their own. a true friend in my eyes is one who will stand side-by-side next to me ready to fight with me and not for me.

to truly know and love a person, you love the good with the bad; you enjoy the good and understand the bad. to know me, is to know all sides of me. i may smile a lot and seem happy all the time ... and 90% of the time, that's true. but hey, im human - that's why i have great friends to listen & this blogger account.

i fight for a better version of me. advancing to the next level soon!

Once upon a time ...

2007-12-04T23:19:00.000-08:00

... i fell in love at first sight. it was that breath-taking/surprise at every corner/head over heel/i thought he was the one for me kind of love.

... once upon a time i could trust my heart completely.

but the fairy tale didnt come true. he gave into his fears and as did i. he hurt me, i hurt him. no matter what, the warmth of those times will keep my heart warm.

... and when the dust cleared and settled this is what i saw: he is exactly the same person as he used to be. i know i wronged him. he said he's forgiven me, but it sure doesn't feel like it.

i am a better person now. he cannot take that away from me. i brought myself back from darkness. i have come so far from where i was, and i have so much more to go! i am strong now - no fair trying to drag me back to where you are.

...once upon a time was then .... and this is now damn it.

Thanks Ali :)

2007-11-27T20:46:00.000-08:00

she sent this to me via AIM one nite:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who does actually try to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." ~Theodore Roosevelt

the resilency-gene

2007-11-20T17:47:00.000-08:00

there she lay, her body not her own. she wore a light brown mandarin collared dress with dark brown buttons. she had no hair (a side effect from the intense chemotherapy treatments). her eyes closed, hands crossed below her abdomen. a blanket of red roses lay over her casket (a gift from my auntie). we all said our goodbyes to a mother, mother-in-law, and grandma.

her name was so-ping "sophie" wong. i know she was a resilent woman, a trait so promenently expressed through my father ... a trait i proudly possess. she wanted to be a nurse, but met my grandfather and then had my dad. my grandfather died in 1964. she was a strong woman: she immigrated to america, raised 2 other children, and became a beautician all on her own. she was a modest woman who lived for her family and faith.

2 of my cousins spoke at her funeral. for a short period i was jealous. they knew her. she did their hair growing up and getting ready for dances and formals ... she talked to them about their lives and cared for them afterschool like any other grandparent would ... she made them her chicken specialty to take with them to school. my brothers and i, werent so lucky.

despite my complicated family geneology, i am proud to say that even though i didnt know her, i am a product of her values. perphaps there is some wong-family gene for resilency, for it's fueled my life and helped me succeed thus far. speaking of genes, my dad looks a lot like her.

Mirror Mirror in the wall ...

2007-11-16T08:17:00.000-08:00

who do i see? do i look different from when i was a child? i sure do feel different.

i came to the horrible conclusion last night ... i surely dont hate the way i look nor do i hate who i am or who i've become ... i hate WHERE i am.

where i am, is miles from where i want to be. eons far from PT school, establishing myself in this world. as in one of my recent posts, i dont even have time to keep my room/apt clean, catch up with my friends, cook for myself, be the uber nerd i am at heart. i want to be able to handle it all, but it's all barreling out of control. i want to say that i aced my classes while working AND getting into PT school! yes, i am out to prove a point. but i guess i just want to ensure that my life has purpose. i feel that my purpose is to help heal. and i have chosen it through PT. sometimes im not sure if PT wants me though.

discourgagement, frustration, self-doubt hits. laughter helps. i think i get that from my grandpas ... they laughed a lot when they were alive. im dorky b/c of my mom.

i know i can do this. but sometimes, these other unplanned obstacles are the ones that trip me up.

suck it up! i can do this. cardiac physiology, you're so gonna get owned on tuesday! i AM hardcore. i will succeed because failure is not an option.

*cheers*

Insomnimaniac

2007-11-13T18:59:00.000-08:00

i havent slept for 2 days ... going on 3. interesting feeling. im tired, but i know that all-nighter feeling where i cant wait to slip into a deep sleep. yet, i peacefully rest for about an hour and then i wake up. such a frustrating feeling ... it's not quite grouchy but friends and loved ones beware! hah! :P

i didnt think that my grandmother's passing would affect me this way. after all, i had not seen her since i was like 8 ... or 10 even. i think the tragic part of it all was that i never knew her nor did i get to say goodbye. sometimes i think my dad's story would make such a great book. his stories about how family members immigrated over and how difficult it was during WWII or the veitnam war. i think that's why i love history ... i get that from my dad.

on a different note, shortly after my grandmother's passing, my family and i had a long overdue pow-wow about issues that have been looming for over a year now. probably one of the most difficult moments ive had to emotionally endure in a long time. it's funny how a death in the family can bring a family closer and ironic to see first hand how history could actually repeat itself if action isnt taken.

i think the effects of this wong-family-pow-wow has not worn off yet and attributing to my insomnia. yuck! i remember when i lied to or hurt my parents for some selfish reason or another .... my dad acted like his heart was broken. i didnt think that a family member could break your heart. but that rainy saturday afternoon in san francisco, i felt it crack. my heart yearned for him ... give him understanding, perspective, peace of mind, and acceptance. i am blessed to have endured all that i have gone through to be able to think this way (it was extremely hard at the time of course!). but insight is so crucial.
in the words of bens folds five, "she a brick and [he's] drowning slowly ... off the coast and [he's] going nowhere."

family. it's like your brain cells - you only get one set for life, cherish them. you love family no matter what. they are truly there when all the dust has settled. family is love in it's purest and yet communal form. happy families exist. but happy families also go through rough times. never disown your family for something so illusive! it does not - in no shape, way or form - take away from the love we have for each other.

i wonder if i'll be able to sleep through the night tonite....

It Won't Be Soon Before Long

2007-11-09T14:11:00.000-08:00

Finally! caught Maroon 5 last nite @ the Staples center =)
great seats! RIGHT in the center, 1 section up from the floor. i think my favorite things about concerts these days are the light displays ... i'll post pics in a bit ... and the encores, there's always something really cool about the artist. like adam lavinge rifting like an og rockstar or him blaring away on the snare drums with his drummer. or even back when i saw john mayer, his acoustic version of "slow dancing in a burning room."

... it wont be soon before long ....

until another test, another application
errands to do, bills to pay
i get to share the holidays with my family
seeing my most cherished friends

does anyone have a friend or family member that you dont really know, but feel obligated toward? {in respect to my family i have to keep the circumstances private}

i consider myself a compassionate person, easily putting others above her own needs. but this time, i only feel an obligation since part of my blood is from them. through no fault of my own. but i question if i am suppose to feel ... something ... besides empathy. realistically, there is no connection due to their choice that has rippled itself to me and my siblings. however, if i were in their position, family or not, i would hope they extend the same care for me. and so, i will do what i can - pray and hope for the best - leaving the rest up to God.

...it wont' be soon before long ....

that our time on earth is done too. the question is, did you live passionately ... full of love for family, life, others? did you make it worthwhile to validate your existence? someone asked me last year, "what is the meaning of life?" i answered, "to live and learn to every extend possible." my lovely med school pal, nikki, once told me when i was down, "it's not over until you're dead." until then, keep kicking, swimming or fighting!

ps - officially and gladly jumping off the wagon this weekend :) [happy birthday timbo, shorty and jtsuno]

crave

2007-11-06T18:24:00.000-08:00

i gave into my chocolate craving .... oh it was a good piece though: dove dark chocolate ~ YUM! but inside the wrapper was a thought of the day type deal. it said, "sing along with the elevator music," just as the song "bittersweet symphony" by the verve was playing. that inspired me to blog.

thanksgiving is just around the corner. it's coming. it doesnt seem like it, but 2 weeks away! i cant wait to see my family. it's weird how lately both my mom's side and dad's side have been more tightly knit lately than ever. call it, the asian lack of communication gene. but especially since my immediate family is so scattered it's imperative that we do so. come to think of it, even with my 2nd family (my girls!) we've been doing so for awhile now, but lately i've come to cherish our plans made because we rarely see each other now.
ahhh, growing up......

my life since september has been pure chaos. i would love a routine ... even just for a month. im trying to get my life in order since it's a daily juggling act and not fall behind. i feel like i have to get it all done it one day: work, homework, study, clean, cook, workout, prepare a portion of an application..... and it starts all over again each day. i think realistically, ive sacrificed the cooking or cleaning or working out or applications - but getting 3-4 things of the daily list done is still exhausting. i hope i dont get sick, esp since there's a bug in the air & the weather's changing finally.

last nite i had a dream and there was this symbol that appeared. im a believer that dreams mean something. this symbol is a person i knew, but not really too extensively. in any rate, i've come to the conclusion that everytime i start to get serious with someone and that person appears in a dream - it's gonna be a big relationship. the odd thing is, my symbol appeared 2x in the past month. that's rare. i wonder what that means.

cant wait to let loose this weekend in norcal *^_^*

Limbo... right?

2007-10-25T14:50:00.000-07:00

usually i have some creative pity thematic blog, but it wont be one of those today. i apologize. i blame the self-induced emotional rollercoaster i put myself on and my lack of sleep.

i had all these thoughts running through my head at a million miles an hour that i couldnt find the source of it. it bugged me. i let it fester for another 14hrs or so .... but by 1:01am tuesday morning, i couldnt take it anymore. to my journal i went (because i was still lacking a computer). my journal is simple. my uncle gave it to me when i was a sophomore in high schoool as a christmas gift with a cute pen. it has a picture of a schnouzer (b/c i am the year of the dog) and is spiral bound. i write in it if i cant sleep ... like that night.

i like to puruse the last entry i wrote or randomly pick from something a million and a half years ago. but that nite, i just picked the last one. it was from june 20, 2007. coincidentally enough, i was still venting about the same things. it struck me because that seemed so long ago, and yet, a similar situation that kept me up feeling flustered and vulnerable. i realized that i needed to get real with myself. i decided i truly wanted to be happy and that i was gonna really put my all into the steps to get me there. i was chasing ideas and things that didnt seem 100% me, but it was almost flirting with having to feed my ego .... (but oh, those things woulda been so great!)

more importantly, i learned that i needed to be more genuine with people. i would love to get back to the mentality that i could talk to another without having to guess how they would react if i did/said something. having not to do something to get a reaction out of them and hoping it'd be enough to create sparks...... it's like stimulating a nerve cell to generate an action potential, but the cell hasnt become depolarized enough for the action potential actually be made - so nothing happens. (yes, that was my nerd moment that hit me studying on sunday).

so goodbye to the thought of potentials. i'll know the real deal when it gets here!

no more over thinking. more action. /-\+ (that's my cowbell ... more cowbell!)

Endurance

2007-10-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

1/2 marathon: 13.1 miles = DONE =) official finish time: 2hrs, 17 min, 45 sec. (-4 min for resting)

after about 6 weeks of "official" training, all mileage and sweat and nites of worrying i'd be able to squeeze a run into my day paid off. miles 1-3 were a slight blur: filled with looking for my bff luan whom i missed becuase of timing coordination mishaps (due to masses of people looking to park in downtown long beach), snaking through the walkers, and finding a good pace to stay at. miles 3-6 felt good, i was warmed up, picked up my pace a bit, and was enjoying the dock-side scenery. miles 6-9 were fairly grueling probably because thousands of people were squished into the bike path along the beach. it was beautiful, but like i said squishy. hehe. by mile 9, i was extatic, only 4 miles left .... mile 10, Gu-refueling station, mile 11-12: my legs were feeling tired and a bit numb. i must say, mile 12-13.1 ............ longest ever!

but i did it. i felt so accomplished. physically, my legs havent been this sore in a long while. mentally, i feel really proud of myself and my friends who finished it as well. growing up, i hated endurance sports .... when i was on the swim team in middle school, i was a sprinter. prior to starting my annual mud runs, i had never run more than 3 miles in my life. maybe biking doesnt quite apply to me, but for all intense purposes, i always hated the first 8-10 miles of the ride my parents/family would drag me on.

in any rate, this weekend was actually really inspirational for me. on friday, i learned something new: how to hit a taiko drum. yay ucla yukai taiko! it was really refreshing to meet new people, even though i was literally the oldest one there. they were all filled with such passion for taiko and for each other that their energy radiated to everyone around - including me.

on saturday, i officially have given up every saturday for the next 6 months to Team in Training. biking 100 miles in march! as i listened to an honored member speak of everything that he went through. he endured. after beating hodgkin's disease and leukemia, then a shoulder replacement, a hip replacement, and then a heart replacement (all secondary to chemotherapy), he did a triathalon with team in training in 2006. he said that he never ever wanted to forget that feeling of crossing the finish-line ever again (which is why he's doing it again).

his story made me think, when you are at your lowest of lows ... like facing death ... it's accomplishing the impossible that makes life entirely worth enduring every single hardship. training ... life experiences .... they are all lessions/hardships/etc you learn from and take with you for the real test - whether it be something as big as cancer or a race event or test ... there is nothing like that feeling of accomplishment. the moment you stop feeling, you are dead.

flashing back to mile 12 yesterday morning, it made me realize the interplay of life/endurance/accomplishment. i felt so much anticipation to finish ... it was a nearly indescribeable feeling. It really makes me feel like i can accomplish anything again. Yes, it will be hard, but i must endure. and endure i will .... and success to me now is like my mile 12 of 13.1.

feeling ... i never want to stop feeling.

Swim or Die Trying

2007-10-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

I can only describe this week as treading water ... as hard as i possibily can, to keep from drowning. I like to call it: school-blues. I quickly flash back into my undergraduate and high school days where everything seemed to be poking at me in all directions, demanding my full attention. the past month, i have been taking it from all sides: work, school, home, physically, emotionally.

but today, i feel defeated. i have relied on things that are completely and utterly failing me at this point, and the only way to is to fix it but i can't afford it (e.g. my dear old brenda and computer). but i think the phone call from my dad today was the last straw.

i admit it, i am a twenty five year old woman that is still not financially independent. not because i choose to be, but because i am off chasing my dream. i was glad that my parents had decided to support me, but that was 2 years ago. and now, 2 years later, i feel as though their expectations aren't emotionally worth the my efforts. i can imagine my parents belaying the fact that i am not yet successful - or not even on track to be successful - at their dinner parties/social events/meeting new friends. i feel cursed the day that wretched email went out from you-know-who.

it was scary actually thinking about giving up my dream to make my parents happy (= finanically independent). all of this made me think: what is this all really worth? what have i accomplished in the past 3 years except falling flat on my face time and time again.

i hoping this is the kick in the butt that i need to get me into gear ... if only i had the time. so i have to make time ... (and hopefully not get sick) =(

Here's something i found post-writing this blog: by Kristina Grish (one of my new fav bloggers @ women's health mag)
Take the Wrong Path
I break such a sweat shaping my future according to expectations that when I'm thrown a curve, I see it as a personal affront and major energy-suck. Gena simply adapts. She isn't afraid to make mistakes or quit with no strings attached. I recently struggled for months over whether to break a contract because I no longer believed in the project. Gena advised: "Walk away. It's not you anymore." Of course, she was right. In her world, mistakes lead to more fuck-ups. (PS: That's not a bad thing.)
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/article/0,6176,s1-21-80-1881-1,00.html

Make Me Earn It

2007-10-01T09:13:00.001-07:00

I like to keep some inspirational tidbids here b/c my memory fades, and i know when i look back i can look at this again and fill myself with a large cup of hope.

"Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things." -Randy Pausch (Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor)
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119024238402033039.html?mod=Moving+On

thanks do, it's awesome to get thru the mornings via gchat!

Fall Back & Spring Foward

2007-09-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

call me a sentimentalist .... and i say this every year, but i love fall. it brings back the excitement of the 1st day of school / monday night football / the weather turning a bit cooler / sweater sales / backpacks filled with pens and notebooks / and most fondly: volleyball. :)

it rained last friday/saturday here in LA. saturday poured like cats and dogs out. seeing falling rain is romance in physical form. it's cold and comforting, drenching and bittersweet, sad and calming all at the same time. it makes you want to be cozy with hot chocolate, soft sweats and someone. on such rare southern californian occassions, i love to play "4 seasons of loneliness" not b/c im lonely (for the most part) but it just fits - like hot tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. hahaha.

i would say my last post was quite sentimental, just because this time of year was quite different from where i am now. i like it now. i dont think i would be myself if i had stayed back there. in anyrate, time to spring foward admist fall (when you're suppose to fall back).

my most recent woes have been feeling very disconnected with the world, rather, my world. last week, myspace was officially filtered out of work-internet usage ... and sadly, gchat AND facebook fell victim to it today. in my craziness that i call school and work = life, i rarely have time to just chat anymore with close friends or continue my networking with old/newer friends on myspace. i was content as using it as my passive aggressive medium for keeping in touch since i never had time outside of work to do keep up with ALL of them. but now with running around for school and a computer virus at home ... i feel so .... cut off.

in my speech class, one student couldnt decided on her topic to make our first speech about, so she made a survey to help her choose between 2 topics. 1 of them was about internet communication. it sparked a small debate in class where my professor stated that she preferred to see the person b/c u miss out on so much. prior to that comment, i was completely for all for the gchat/aim/myspace/facebook/texting/emailing/cell phone calls .... why? because my family - this includes my biological family as well as 'the ohana' (the girls + a several priveleged few) - are so far away. and as of this year, it seems as though everyone just keeps going further away one-by-one. :( it really does make me sad and thankful at the same time. sad, for those who arent here or get to spend time doing random things like laundry or miso salmon/spaghetti nights with. but thankful for those who are still here. :)

as i begin my official 7th year in Los Angeles, California, i have yet to figure it out completely. "you know, that's the funny thing about life ... how it just jumps up and surprises you." - steve martin in 'father of the bride.' yes, the air quality/parking/traffic/hollywood-type snobby egocentric people really get on my nerves. however, i think ive made a fairly descent home for myself with a great network. i must remind myself though, that life is in a constant state of change where it's almost damn near impossible for things to ever stay the same. as i see myself for the next few months, that it's time to branch out. for example, going back to smc - i come into contact with new classmates or starting team-in-training for that century bike ride = new people. amist my crazy schedule, i somehow have to keep my eye on the prize.

(however, i think my norcal friends would love to hear that in the event i dont make it into PT school again, i'd seriously consider a move up north to get my bearings again.)
BUT that's not gonna happen!!! (sorry kids, i miss and love u much :P)

All Good Things

2007-09-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

this just so happens to be the same title for 2 different artists' songs for the same topic: a lost love.

the first, Nelly Furtado - her song is meloncholy and very reflective with an extremely catchy beat (i think i chalk that up to the acoustic guitar strumming in the background). the song is deep, with lyrics such as, "flames to dust, dust to wind / why do all good things come to an end?" so many layers ... this probably why i love lyrics so much. they're so exquistely worded.

the second is Mandy Moore. as an artist/actress, she's extremely loveable with such an inviting personality. her song provides me this sort of comfort about a certain heart break that continues to fester. her song describes her frustration about being too forgiving toward her ex-love and continues to always thing of him in a good light ... she's stuck on thinking only good things about him. i just came across this song this week, so my final conclusions are yet to come. but it feels great to have a song describe what you've been feeling about it.

my awesome roomie told me the other day, "you know, you don't have to forgive him." i know i dont, but i'd rather forgive ... then i can forget. hah. in any rate, another in sampling mandy moore's album, another song helped me realize that i've been so stuck on this whole situation because i felt so much in such a short period of time that all amounted to .... nothing. i've wanted to be angry, bitter, hateful - but i knew better. i thought it would all pass after a certain amount of time. so i tucked it all away. gosh, it's been such a journey to understand that situation. i've never been content with the idea that there wasn't an explanation as to why things didnt work out. so i am giving it the attention it deserves ... the nothing that it is and the nothing that he is.

as for now, that's such a validating idea! why didnt i think of that before?

and as for these songs ... it's really easy to look back and focus on the good things b/c no one really wants to thing badly of another (at least for me). in any rate, i like where i am now. i recently heard that the most successful people never look back ... especially on mistakes made - they shift forward, only to achieve. so here i go, looking toward the future only :)

Back to Basics

2007-09-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

Top of the mornin' to ya!

Yes, I've been rather busy this past month. It's sad to realize that waking up past 630am is now a luxury on the weekdays. I've started taking classes again and still working a majority of my hours at work - so it doesn't leave me much time for a lot of things. I'm taking public speaking and a human physiology class. If you know me personally, you must be questioning as to why I'm taking public speaking ... yes, im friendly and approachable ... but when it comes to speaking in front of a group of people all focusing their attention on you, it's SCARY! hopefully i can over come that.

In any rate, human physiology ... sounds dry right? well, that's what i studied at ucla for 4 years. it's good to dust off that rust and to think scientifically again. the only thing is ... i can't decide if i like my professor or not. i believe it's mainly her demenor ... i'm not sure if it's arrogance or if im tired of hearing her b.s. stories of what she's accomplished. but i'll give her this: she KNOWS her $%^&! i like the way that she's been approaching all-to-much-covered-topics that remain the basis of our biological knowledge.

i guess the best way to describe this intrigue is to say that i have always loved complex things ... the more difficult something was, the more i wanted to learn and understand. however, characteristically, i would only graze over the basic concepts. to my detriment, this "habit" of mine plagued my college career. it hit me the other day: no, i dont truly know what i thought i did. (then again, i feel like i've run into that thought at least 3 times this past year alone. hah.) i think i finally understand how important a good foundation is ... like in basketball, when all hell breaks loose and ur having a really crappy game, i go back to what i know: defense/rebounding (or even volleyball: passing passing passing!) ... and then work from there. going back to the basics is key. i hope this new revelation inspires me to kick ass and really get my $%^& down so i'll one day be great in P.T. school.

"the way i see it #222"

2007-08-17T10:27:00.001-07:00

fearlessness is not the absence of fear. it's the mastery of fear. it's about getting up one more time than we fall down.

-Arianna Huffington
author of On Becoming Fearless ... in Love, Work, and Life

I hate Goodbyes ...

2007-08-13T00:13:00.000-07:00

i witnessed one of the saddest things in my entire lifetime a few nights ago: a dear friend of mine's father passed away of multiple myeloma. i watched as close family members surrounded their beloved father had to slowly let go as his life tappered off. the hardest part was facing the reality of it all ... even as he was clearly faded, i still held on, hoping for some miracle to happen. but in the back of my mind, i knew the inevitable must occur ... it was his time.

one of life's greatest lessons is to appreciate and love everyone and thing in your life NOW. it's true, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone." why did it take this news to call my parents just out-of-the-blue? why does my friend's mom realize that more impromptu family gatherings happened while my friend's dad was fighting cancer than before when it was just holidays? maybe b/c we get so caught up in life that we forget to stop and realize the world around us. there's no hard and fast rule about when or how, but i believe the universe or God send you signs .... and i quote ferris buller, "life happens fast, if you don't stop and take a look around once in awhile, you could miss it."

i took the next past few days to offer support to the family. watching them plan a funeral is something i didn't plan on thinking about for at least 20-30 years from now. alas, i'm seeing preparations are much like a wedding: venue, minister, music, flowers, keeping family members occupied/satisfied, reception (sans the wake, black attire, casket, mourtuary, and recently deceased). it's so hard to think of a family loosing it's prime members. if it were me, i'd be a mess.

in any rate, i started wondering ... what would people remember about me? well not just specifically me ... but i ask you: how would you like to leave your mark in this world? i pretty much guarantee someone will say something about my cheezy smile. i hope my friends and family know how much they mean to me ... but also i hope i leave this world with as much grace, gentleness, and love as my friend's dad did.

soundtrack of this post was brought to you by:

"dreaming with a broken heart" - john mayer
"the power of goodbye" - madonna
"i'll be missing you" - p diddy feat. faith evans
"what a wonderful world" - isreal kamakawiwo'e

dreams

2007-08-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

in light of such vivid dreams in the past few days, needless to day i've been on an emotional and apparently subconscious roller-coaster in terms of my future career and the future of my heart.

dreams are visions of events that we'd most likely want to happen. i think they are visions of our subconscious thoughts surfacing and interacting with our conscious and those 2 trying to all have it make sense. im sure as most of you have noticed that your dreams make you extremely more confused than provide any sense of clarity.

dreams for our future are the ones we hold near to us ... this differs from a fantasy (e.g. fancy cars, expensive things, big houses, gorgeous significant other). our biggest dream for ourself is the one that is suppose to yield us the most happiness ... as if turning our dream into reality translates into fulfilling our purpose in life. (wow that was a lofty thought). as we mature and grow older, we realize these dreams dont always come true, in fact, it's most likely entirely different from what you imagined for yourself. i believe those who do make their dreams come true has most likely told reality to go F--- itself at one point or another... esp when it seemed as though life had turned its back on them ... resulting in a huge influx of determination and allowing them to surmount this seemingly trivial spat. i imagine those life-winners not even glancing back at those who said they couldnt.

yeah, that'll be me one day. just u watch: dreams do come true.

life and basketball

2007-08-01T23:06:00.000-07:00

i first picked up a basketball at the age of 6 b/c my oldest brother started in the 7th grade. i remember the very day i signed up to play CYO basketball in the 3rd grade: it was a friday. that night, my family and i did our usual dinner outting in chinatown ... i remember strolling through the finanical district as my parents trailed behind. i felt as mighty as michael jordan. i told myself i could jump as high as any skyscrapper, that nothing could stop me. that was the beginning ...

my 5th grade coach deemed me having "charisma" (right, try wrapping your head around that meaning at 10). coach alan was my emotional mentor from 7th to 9th grades, where i learned how to meticulously goal set, achieve, and about composure. high school ball is where it got hugely intense: demanding perfection day-in, day-out ... 6 days a week for 5 months for 4 years. where each game felt more like battle every time i went in. i was practically a mindless soldier out there to perform my coach's will ... afraid to do what i knew and loved. (i think i will fast foward all the drama h.s. ball entailed ...) in college, i was and still am completely content on the idea that there is more to life than ball, but ball is still apart of me and most likely always be.

in reference back to past conversations w/my friends ... discussing how we play on the court is how we are in life. a few years ago, i struggled with trying to be noticed as a player. it made me sad that most observers that watched my team only complemented the scorers. i wanted to be noticed too ... in any rate, i did the little things ... why, b/c i took it upon myself to do so for the success of the team.

i never considered myself as a GREAT player, but decent enough. similar to most things in my life ... right there in the middle. always been a shooter and rebounder (thank you volleyball) ... i love being "6th man" ... and more importantly to me - a team player.

a self-analysis of my game says that i posses great fundamentals, i am a set shooter, a rebounder with lots of hussle, rather weak ball handling skills, fairly good passer, slow to react on defense, and that i could be more offensively aggressive.

translation as to how i am in life: i am a rules person, i follow them ... and rarely deviate. i work hard, but at times dont react quickly enough to situations. i can be timid and hestitant ... perphaps because i dont have enough faith in my own skills. on the other hand, i come through for those who matter.

i forget sometimes how to play to win the game of life. basketball practice to life lessions: play to win. play with heart ... leave it all out on the court. never give up. always believe there's a chance. never let the size of the challenge intimidate you. hardwork proves miles of success farther than talent alone. the rules of the game are simple ... playing will always be challenging, but the success of winning is completely and utterly worth every bit of blood, sweat and tears.

Optimism Mantra

2007-07-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

"if your tired of fighting battles with yourself, change your mind."

some days it's hard to dig down deep and believe in the faith that i possess in my heart. sometimes i forget that we are the product of our own lives. as the youngest born, at times i feel i am spoiled with the mindset that things in my life will automatically be provided just because i want them.

but at this juncture, i feel it's more that i am unsure which direction to take. how to be most efficient in my decisions ... thinking if i do A, then B should (in theory) occur. in the past few years, i thinking this way has both helped me from making irrational decisions (b/c i can be impatient) & hindered me from seizing opportunities.

there is always this grand compounded mixture of effort and luck that is needed to achieve the life that we ideally hold near and dear to us. belief would be the mental aspect - the motivator. achieving would take care of the physical part in which doing work is required.

mantras are good reminders as positive reinforcers. that makes me feel more settled. and sometimes, you just have to go for it and do it with all of your heart.

land-ho! good things ahead! :)

Ship of Fools

2007-07-13T19:37:00.000-07:00

I appologize for this delayed posting, I've been wanting to write about this for so long now. Funnily enough I had a hard time finding the proper title for this post. I wanted to name my boat. I finally found this "ship of fools" amist a song that I really hate hearing at work (thank you Yahoo! radio - coffeehouse station). I named it the "ship of fools" because it holds all of those thoughts and memories that keep you in this place where you yearn for something more ... as if it was in your grasp but reality fools you otherwise, casting you away toward another direction.

In my fictious boat, I experience life ... through high seas, weathering storms, witnessing rainbows, countless sunrises and sunsets that continually take my breath away.

In any rate, I have recently found that friends near and far seem to experience the same trials and tribulations or emotional distrought at the same time I am. Same emotions and expressed frustrations make me think/say, "we're in the same boat." However, I want to tell my comrades, "get off the damn boat! swim away! you want something better than to be here." Then it hits me, would I rather have the company - such as the saying "misery loves company" ? Or would I really want my friends to find their proverbial island paradise?

Of course we would all dream of the island paradise where happiness seemingly lies. But when, nay, what will happen that will get us to that island? Will we be rescued or will we muster the courage to swim into the sea of the unknown. Some earth-shattering event has to happen at some point right?

Alas: faith, hope & love friends ....

silent-g

2007-07-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

the fifth note.
no, a consonant quietly existing.

who would have thought, this oddly placed letter would make such an impact. is it suppose to be there? how would it exist otherwise? how do you pronounce it?

it both forces you to open your eyes and see the world in a brand new fashion, and yet, refuses to come out on its own. partelle, what is this little silent-g afraid of?

funny how one little moment in time could have such an impact. how one little letter can affect someone so. how the mind struggles to find peace and solidarity to understand. its silence speaks volumes but does not lay to rest any trace of hope.

someone sees you silent-g: for who all that you are, what you represent, what you want to be.

my wish list

2007-07-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

Life:

have a family of my own --> husband & 2 children, maybe 3 ... to raise and support them with a lifestyle where they wouldn't have to worry about food, money, and other convinences that i take for granted
own a house
job satisfaction
travel --> fill my passport / stepped foot on every continent

the Present:

PT school
financial independence
a new(er) car
toned body
romantic relationship

Physically:

bball - handles / being able to take it to the rack / blocking ppl
do a pull-up
1 armed push-ups
running - complete 1/2 marathon
start swimming/cycling again

Romantically:
(in no particular order)

at the very least my height or TALLER
athletic w/some affinity to basketball
spontaneously fun / loves to try new things
thoughtful / showing that he thinks of you via his actions
romantic
takes initiative
good listener
makes me laugh / likes to laugh with me (not at!)
inquizative / thinks critically
understanding
self-aware
passionate about life
easy-going
sense of style / knows how to dress for the occassion
pretty eyes
gives great hugs
strives to understand me
steadfast / won't neglect me in a time of true need
patient
emotionally available
loves to spend time with me / willing to make time for me
opens me up / expands my world
loves my quirks / dorkiness / vulnerabilities
compromises
keeps his word
likes music in some way, shape or form
makes me feel safe & secure
makes me feel special
someone i can be silly and dorky with
someone who makes a good teammate

Mellyville: the "IT" factor

2007-07-04T03:08:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvVZegDnbJU

"Sober" - Kelly Clarkson

2007-07-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Dear House,

2007-07-02T23:31:00.000-07:00

Taken from 'Spirit' Magazine, by Melinda Mahaffey --> as i was on my flight back to the bay ... i thought this was quite fitting b/c it describes my frustrations and attachments and ideals of 'HOME'

I am afraid for you. Mom and Dad have decided to sell. The kids are moving out, and it's time for retirement. A lot of the houses in our neighborhood have been torn down in the last few years to make way for McMansions that dominate .... and I'm afraid that this will be your fate as well. I don't understand people who so carelessly destroy a house, b/c a house is more than bricks and mortar. You have been the receptacle of our memories and our dreams.

I don't know if everyone has such an affinity for the house where they grew up. Do they dream of it still, or have they just passed on to their next abode, without thought for what they have left behind? Yes, I know I'm too old to be attached .... but we always made our way back to you. In the midst of change, you were the one constant in my life - the string that kept me from floating off. You were the place that kept me rooted to the ground, the acre that gave me a hometown when all my meager possessions were packed into a 9-year-old's cardboard boxes.

Can it really have been so long? When i look back, I can see ... the small walled garden that was overgrown with bamboo, a mini-jungle that i was afraid to walk into just in case there was snakes waiting to get me ... All of these things have disappeared over the years in the name of remodeling. But even though you have changed, the essence of you, which is buried deep in me, has stayed the same.

The funny thing is, you have changed me too, changed me in a thousand tiny ways. Through the years of blind habit, I hand my clothes backward in foreign closets b/c your close rails are reversed. I automatically lower the showerheads to shoulder height in hotel bathrooms b/c I'm now taller than the fixture that towered above my head when I was little.

As I grew up, you protected me through storms. Not only the dramatic ones that passed through ... but also the storms in life: the school exams, breakups, and painfully earnest teenage years. You have have listed to my phone conversations and never gossiped about what you've heard. But more than that, you have give me the courage to go out into the world b/c I've know that you would take me back, w/o question and w/o judgement. A girl could not ask for more.

Now I see that I'm more afraid for myself than for you - selfishly afraid that when you're gone, I will have no home. I've skipped around the world and returned again; you string became the rubber band that snapped me back.

I imagine that for some years in the future, I will drive by just to see you, to make sure your new owners love you as we loved you. But know that whatever happens, I will carry you with me. You are the bricks and mortar of who I am, the still point in a world of chaos.

Thank you 2125 Sea Cliff Way. one day i hope to buy you back :)

the "IT" factor

2007-06-28T00:13:00.002-07:00

I am haunted by years of English grammar for the usage "it." The vagueness this pronoun possess, indirectly refers to a previously mentioned subject, also known as an "anticedent" (see i still remember!). In any rate, upon determining greatness, I keep hearing that the person has to have this "it"-factor. All those episodes of "American Idol" or "Making the Band" where judges determine: this person's got "it."

What is this factor and quality that must exist? Several avenues blur past my mind as i think about "it."

I've had the unfortunate experience where a guy I was dating said ending our relationship stating that "it" wasn't enough. Sounds heartbreaking (and it was at the time), however, let's explore this ... must learn from your past to get to your future right? Right.

Now let's take how or why 2 people come together to formulate a relationship: they meet; they make emotional/physical connections; they become a couple. The "it"-factor delineates that a romantic relationship between 2 people is a combination of mutual attraction/respect, openness for a relationship, and a blinding trust in the other.

At times, there is the case in which all these factors appear to be in your favor: you are attracted to the person and you have a great time with them ... in fact, there's nowhere else you'd rather be. And yet, even you, know deep down something's missing: the "it"-factor. Some people are baffled by couples who seemingly aren't compatible or physically complementary are together, and they ask themselves, "how does that work?".
The answer is, "it" just works. We're not sure how, when or why ... but when you come across the person that belongs to you, you will just know "IT."

Star Maps

2007-06-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

Stars, constellations, falling stars, the night sky ... one of my favorite things to do since childhood was to look up to these brilliant masses of gas and light and just wonder about the world. I would pretend the moon followed me wherever i went. The summer before I entered high school, I made a wish I'd make the varsity volleyball team on a falling star. When I look up, it's this calming and sense of enwonderment that makes me hopeful.

Perphaps, in a more religious sense, it is to look to God for some direction. In nautical terms, sailors traditionally used the stars to map their course at night. However, at times, I dont know what the heck I am are looking up there for. I dont know which constellation I am looking at ... and realize - "I hadn't the faintest idea how the night sky might serve as a road map. How could stars, sparkle as they might, help me find my way if they keep moving? (The Life of Pi, 193)." My life, in that moment, was clearly and concisely defined in those 2 sentences. I guess on this road of life, we're only suppose to look back upon where we've been and keep creating the rest as we go along.

No one person can predict what will exactly happen in their life or others. Parents and loved ones can earnestly hope that you take your life in one direction because they want the best for you. But it's not so simple. A friend of mine once said, "greatness doesnt happen without hardwork." Every single person on this planet can do anything if they truly want it. If you have the mindset and the passion, you will succeed.

Smarty Pant Moment

2007-06-21T17:01:00.000-07:00

i believe that every event has a certain place and time ... we just cant see the plan :-)

my inspiration: 'serendipity'

Welcome

2007-06-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the inugural posting to my blogger :)

oh how i <3 google applications!!

i know you are excited to hear all about what goes on inside my head and my heart ... and about my life.

so stay tuned!